Update: Conundrum + Possible Giveaway

Still outside! Hangin’ out. Staying positive. Waiting for Halo to figure out how to open the door with her paws. We might go for another walk! Since the first one was such a treat. (Ah, we have fun, don’t we?) Anyway! I wanted to give you an update because I opened the package that started this whole thing, and hiding inside were…these.

Are they earrings? Are you supposed to poke that long bar into your ear? It looks painful. The bar doesn’t look thin enough for an ear hole. Are they like very small plugs? Won’t the bar dig into your skull and make your ears stick out? In any case, I didn’t order them. My ears aren’t even pierced anymore. They closed up because I am Bad at Wearing Jewelry. Should I return them? They weren’t listed on the receipt. Are they supposed to be a Free Gift with Purchase?

I found them on the website. They—oh, no. OH GOD, NO. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PULL THE CHAIN THROUGH YOUR EAR HOLE, TOO. NOOOOO—THAT IS TERRIBLE. WHY WOULD SOMETHING LIKE THIS EXIST? THIS IS THE MOST DISTURBING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. NO WONDER THE MODEL LOOKS SO PAINED. SHE’S BASICALLY TURNED HER EAR INTO A CEILING FAN.

Okay. Sorry. There are worse things than pulling a very thin chain through your ear hole. I can’t think of any right now, but there must be something. Oh, like the fact that Stan is back, delivering the actual mail this time, and it’s too late to change out of these fancy shoes or pretend that I haven’t been sitting on the front step all this time digging through a large package that I opened with my teeth like a savage. How embarrassing. Yet, Stan is the consummate professional. Didn’t even blink, just handed me my mail: two credit card offers and a magazine.

“Thank you,” I called feebly, as June stotted off into the bushes.

So now, morally, what are my options here? Should I send the earrings back? They’re $17, currently marked down to $14.99. Not that it makes a difference how expensive they are. I’ve sent a message to the store, and I expect they’ll either respond with, “OH, thank GOD, we’ve been looking EVERYWHERE for those! Send them back posthaste, please, before Shirley in packaging loses her job!” or a dismissive, “Oh, were those gone? You can keep ‘em. We’ve got plenty. We are virtually swimming in dangly earrings over here.” If that’s the case, can I give them to someone else? Who would wear these? Would you? Should I do a giveaway?

Yes. Let’s do it.

Hello! Would you like some understated gold earrings about which one reviewer said, “Thick Posts but pretty”?

“I love a dangle earring that doesn’t try too hard,” another said. Don’t we all?

So…yeah. Some ringing endorsements there. According to the website, they are five inches long, which tells me that I am also Bad at Estimating, because I thought they were at least twice that. The hexagon is half an inch long. It doesn’t say how long the bar is, but if I had to guess, I’d say…three inches? That can’t be right. I don’t know. It’s very cold out here; I think the wind is getting in through my ears and freezing my brain.

So here’s the deal. If Modcloth lets me keep these earrings, the first person to comment saying they want them (either for yourself or someone else—the holidays are here, after all!), gets them. If Modcloth doesn’t let me keep them, then I will handcraft a pair of earrings for EVERYONE who comments and send them to you. Please let me know if you are allergic to any common crafting supplies like pipe cleaners or Grade 80 straight chain. Or, if I’m stuck out here indefinitely, they’ll probably be made of things like leaves and bits of twigs. Maybe a bug.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! The holiday season has admittedly crept up on me like a ghost in the nighttime. We haven’t even decorated because we’ve been so busy, and now I have all this pent-up CHEER that needs to be released. So if you do not care about earrings, like me, and just want a homemade Christmas card from a crazy lady with nice shoes who can’t get into her own house, send me your address and you will receive a very cheery card by Valentine’s Day. Probably.

You are all the best, every one of you. Thank you for reading these silly posts all year. I love you very much.