2018 Holiday Gift Guide

SO! You left all your gift shopping till the last minute. Again. Oh, you thought this year would be different. You started out with such good intentions. You found a sweater that your dad would really like back in August, and you were so surprised and pleased with yourself that you coasted on those feelings for months. But then things got busy at work, and December really snuck up on you, and you can never find anything that your mom/brother/boss really likes anyway, so you procrastinated. But now it’s Christmas Eve, and all you have is that one sweater, and you can’t give everyone pine cones again like last year. What are you gonna do?

HAVE NO FEAR! AUNTIE CARRIE IS HERE FOR YOU! Yesterday I spent hours scouring antique shops for the very best gifts for you to give to all of your loved ones. And then I spent today learning how to make a slideshow in Squarespace. I think I’m a natural!

For Your Spouse

A belt buckle with their name inlaid in turquoise.

For Your Older Brother Who Unironically Smokes a Pipe

This folksy pipe with Cyrano de Bergerac carved into it.

For Your Uncle Who Tells the Corniest Jokes

Set him up in front of this guy and he’ll be occupied for WEEKS.

For Your Neighbor the PETA Member

A carnival ostrich who has broken free of the merry-go-round, but still carries its chains in its mouth as a reminder that it will never be enslaved again.

For Your Friend Who's Always Asking for Advice

Question Girl!
She knows your answer.

For Your Small Nephew

Bear Force One’s Christmas Album. Including such perennial favorites as:

The Little Drummer Bear
Jingle Bear Rock
We Wish You a Bear-y Christmas
Santa Claws is Coming to Town
Frosty the Polar Bear
I Saw Mommy Mauling Santa Claus
O Little Town of Bearthlehem
Run, Rudolph, Run
God Rest Ye Bear-y Gentlebears
Baby, There’s Bears Outside
All I Want for Christmas is BEARS

For Your Tiny Niece

This horse that’s been loved so much it’s become REAL.

For Your Boss Who Likes Everything He Owns to Be "Multi-Use"

A fortune-telling slot machine and gumball dispenser. What can’t it do?
If you answered “Bring back his wife and children,” you…are correct.

For Your Co-Worker Who's Trying to "Change His Spots"

This cheetah, as a gentle reminder that…he can’t.

For Your Enemies

A nightmare.

For the Hosts of All Those Holiday Parties

Finally! Enough champagne to satiate every guest.

This lady knows.

For the Art Aficionado

Bead Bird.

For the Art Aficionado

Pandora got NOTHIN’ on this box o’ horrors.

For the Art Aficionado

“If you can’t kidnap your own orphans, store-bought is fine.”

For the Madwoman You Went to School With Who Super Likes Your Dogs

Like, she likes them a suspicious amount.

For Your Most Frabjous Acquaintance

“HOW CHEERFULLY HE SEEMS TO GRIN,
HOW NEATLY SPREADS HIS CLAWS,
AND WELCOMES LITTLE FISHES IN
WITH GENTLY SMILING JAWS!”

For Your Great-Aunt Who Smiles Less than Dame Maggie Smith

Something stately and severe, just like her.

For Your Daughter, a Horse Girl

Isn’t she majestic.

For Your Grandparents

His-and-Hers Bone Thrones.

For the Person Who Has Everything

They probably don’t have THIS!

For Your Child's Teacher

I mean, it’s either this or a Starbucks gift card. Might as well be creative, you know?

For Your Young Person

The Young People’s Song Book

For Your Favorite Millennial

The only house they’ll be able to afford.

For Your Younger Brother Who Still Blades

Some RULES.

For That Lady You Call "Aunt Cindy," Even Though She's Not Related to You, Who Always Smells Like Patchouli

Now she can finally pursue her dream of joining the upside-down circus!

For Your Younger Sister Who Hates Dolls

Just give her the whole display case.

For Your Younger Sister Who Hates Dolls

Ooh, this one’s a veritable GOLD MINE

For Your Younger Sister Who Hates Dolls

Here’s one that looks like a grown-up trapped in a little doll’s body.

For Your Younger Sister Who Hates Dolls

She can keep them by her bed where they can all watch over her while she sleeps.

For Your Younger Sister Who Hates Dolls

Always…watching.
Never…blinking.

For Your Younger Sister Who Hates Dolls

This one’s most definitely cursed.

And, In Case You Were Looking for Something for Me...

Beaded boots with skulls attached that probably ended up in an antique shop because of a monkey’s paw-type situation.

Next year I’ll teach you how to wrap your presents to ensure a maximum amount of glitter (there’s actually no paper involved at all; you just douse the gifts in glue and roll them in glitter—people love it!). Until then, I wish you and yours a very merry yuletide and the happiest of new years.