Saturn's Return
Guess who’s back.
Back again.
SATURN’S BACK.
Tell a friend.
They say it takes Saturn roughly twenty-nine years to make one revolution of the sun (“they” being scholarly scientist types). This time twenty-nine years ago, Saturn was all like, “Oh, hey, here I am in Capricorn!” and I was like, “Oh, hey, me too! Twinsies!”
Today, as I woke up at the start of my twenty-ninth year, Saturn popped in and said, “Oh hey girl, long time no see!” and I was like, “Uh, YEAH, MAN. You said you’d be back in a YEAR.”
Then Saturn was like, “It…has been a year?”
“MAYBE FOR YOU, BUD,” I said. “Did you at least bring me a present?”
“Ohhh, yeah,” Saturn said, waggling its eyebrows in a way that made me wonder whether it’s a present I’m going to like, like a gas-giant-sized wheel of cheese, or something else, like a hundred snakes woven together into a snake tapestry that I have to sleep under at night or else Saturn will be upset.
They say that when Saturn loops back around to where it was when you were born (“they” being astrological non-scientist types), it brings with it UPHEAVAL and CHANGE and CHAOS. It’s like the cosmic equivalent of a sweet sixteen, except instead of a driver’s license and a summer job, you get an existential crisis and feel like screaming all the time. Like any good friend, Saturn will push your boundaries, challenge your relationships and life decisions and sense of self, and then shove you onto a tightrope with only a net made of snakes to catch you if you fall.
“It sounds harsh, I know,” Saturn said, “but dude, you’re almost thirty. It’s time to pick a lane. Are you really doing what you want to do? Are you the person you want to be? Are you sure? But are you really sure? Okay, I get that you think you’re sure, but just to make absolutely certain, I’m going to bring up all your insecurities and fears and doubts all at once and just see what happens. ‘Kay?”
A lot of people emphatically Do Not Believe in astrology, and for them any turmoil around this time might just be a pinch point in the plot structure of life. Whether or not you believe that cosmic forces affect your life, however, it probably doesn’t hurt to take stock every few decades or so. Has your life started to feel like a habit? Have your dreams gotten dusty? Do you suspect that you’ve been wearing the wrong size underwear for a while now but you’ve been too complacent to try anything else? You don’t have to turn your life upside down, but Saturn is here to tell you to GET ON UP and FIND YOUR BEST UNDERWEAR TODAY!
I’m not sure if I believe in astrology. It’s fun to believe in, like tarot cards and fortune tellers and magic, but I don’t know if it’s real. Here’s what I do know: For people my age, Saturn’s Return lasts from December 2017 to December 2020. During that time, I’ve experienced a virtual tsunami of physical and emotional turmoil. It’s slowly getting better, and it’s going to be good for me once I slog through it, but MAN does it suck right now. That’s why tonight, I am going to eat an extra piece of cake. You know. To fortify myself for the rest of this planetary hullabaloo.
At the very least, in Saturn time, I have gotten so much done this year (not necessarily in order):
Learned to talk
Grew some teeth
Graduated college
Lost some teeth
Read a whole bunch of Nancy Drew books
Grew some more teeth
Made some friends
Had a bunch of teeth pulled out
Sat by the ocean. A lot.
Dyed my hair orange on accident
Cut bangs on purpose
Regretted the bangs immediately
Saw Zach Woods in an airport
Nearly mastered my gross motor skills
After all that, I think I deserve a nap. Even if this blanket is made of snakes.