A Flirting Interlude: Aunt Edna Returns

Usually on Valentine’s Day I post a comprehensive list of extremely useful and meticulously researched Flirting Tips for Human People. You’ve probably heard of the series. It is widely acclaimed.

However, I’ve decided to go in a different direction this year—and this year only—by touching on what comes AFTER a fruitful flirt. As the great poet once said,

“First comes love / Then comes marriage.”

(That’s not the rhyming bit. Just so you know. I didn’t want you to think it was just like…a bad poem.)

You might have noticed the poet neglected to mention flirting, which you may think was a mere oversight, but not so. I suspect this poet was an agent of the State. Which State? Doesn’t matter. They’ve all got the same objective: MARRIAGE. MARRIAGE FOR EVERY CITIZEN. The agents want everyone matched up and paired off and hitched away because they love the Cha-Cha Slide and aside from a seventh-grade school dance the only place they can hear it is at a WEDDING.

And do you really think that a State agent whose favorite song is the Cha-Cha Slide knows anything about flirting? Of course not. They haven’t even made the connection between flirting and marriage. That’s why I’m here (but more on that subject next year). I lay the foundation of flirtation. Excavate the site. Dig footings. Install rebar. Mix the banter up with water in the banter mixer until it’s smooth and ready to pour. Let it harden for a good 48 hours. You’re familiar with the process.

But that’s where my job ends. After I clear out, a one-woman crew comes in to build the bridge from flirtation…to love…to marriage. (It’s one of those rare bridges that has a stop in the middle.) And the name of the woman who makes up that one-woman crew is AUNT EDNA.

I can personally attest to her skills. Ten years ago, after I got engaged, right around the time the shadowy agents of the State started leaving vaguely threatening bolts of tulle outside my door, it was Aunt Enda who showed up and sorted me out. She guided me down the aisle with grace and wisdom and a line of little colorful sweets like a witch in a fairy tale. And here I am, a decade later, fully hitched and slingin’ flirting tips to the next generation of human people. And the cycle continues.

So if you happen to find yourself this Valentine’s Day WAY past the sweetly temperate realm of flirtation and well along the shaky bridge to MARRIAGEVILLE, I invite you to bask in the comforting (if musty) presence of Aunt Edna.

---

AUNT EDNA’S GUIDE TO WEDDINGS AND FALCONRY
(an excerpt)

When I first saw her, I thought she was a corpse. All slumped in a pile next to a massive steamer trunk just outside my apartment door. Exactly where I hadn’t left a corpse that morning.

Just as I got a good loud shriek worked up, the pile stirred, which cut the shriek off in my throat.

“Whooo are you?!” I shouted. I tried to assume a fighting stance, which for me meant jumping in the air and bicycling my legs.

“Whoa, whoa—whoa, girl! Hold it!” The bundle coughed raspily and lurched up to a seat.

“IDENTIFY YOURSELF!” I cried.

She tipped back a dusty green felt hat and I saw her face. It had been six years since I’d seen her last, but she looked the same. Her pale blue eyes were red-rimmed and droopy with sleep, her frown little more than a puddle of wrinkles above her collar.

“Aunt Edna!” I nearly dropped to the ground with relief. “I thought you were dead!” (I realize now this was not a polite thing to say to an elderly woman.)

“Not yet!” she mumbled. “They haven’t got me yet.”

“How long have you been waiting here?” I asked.

“Oh, not long, dear, not long.”

“Well, what—what are you doing here? Not that I’m not happy to see you, it’s just—”

As she stretched her limbs, they popped with a sound like a thumb running over a comb’s teeth, and I took in how thin she was under her layers of clothing.

“Just passing through,” she said.

“Well,” I said dazedly, “come inside.”

Together, we shoved her steamer trunk just past the door frame, and I managed to close the door behind it. She gazed around with a critical eye.

“Can I take your coat?”

She handed me her hat and shrugged out of the oversized military coat she wore. Thick, curly hair, the sort of color they call dun, spilled off her head like scrambled eggs. Her eyes darted warily in their sunken sockets. While I made coffee, she prowled around the place, silently scrutinizing pictures on the wall and peering behind furniture and running her fingers across every book on the shelves. She perked up a bit, though, after I settled her down on the sofa and placed a mug of coffee directly into her hand.

“Tell me about your young man,” she mumbled as her face sank into the cup.

“Bill? Oh, well, we met at college, and—”

She waved her hand. “Not that. Tell me about him.”

“He works as a numisma…”

“Not his job.” She spat on the ground in frustration. “When was he born?”

“Um…” I laughed nervously. “He’s a Pisces if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Oh, he’s a Pisces, is he? Of course that’s not what I mean! Use your head, girl. What day of the week was he born?”

“I don’t…you know, Aunt Edna, off the top of my head, I’m not sure.”

She scoffed. “And this is the man you’re supposedly going to marry, hmm?”

“I’ll have to look it up,” I said. “But why do you ask?”

“The old rhyme,” she said. “You know it. Monday’s child, fair of face, Tuesday’s child full of grace…and so on. By the way, you’re a Monday child, so you oughta start acting like it and put on some sunscreen once in a while. Monday’s child freckle-faced, more like.”

I smiled stiffly.

“Thursday!” I announced after consulting my phone’s calendar. “He’s a Thursday child.”

“Thursday, hey?” She raised her chin imperiously. “Thursday’s child has far to go.”

“What day of the week were you born, Aunt Edna?”

She barked out a laugh. “Impertinent.”

“Oh, come on. Are you a Saturday child, curls and bows? Or a Sunday child…knobbly…toes?”

A slow smile parted the wrinkles on either side of her mouth like a curtain. “I’ll never tell.”

Probably she was born before days of week were invented and couldn’t tell me.

“Oh, fine,” I said. “At least tell me where you’ve been all this time.”

“All this time? When was the last time I visited? Was it this century? Yes, I think…it’s only been a few years, dear. I saw you before you went off to college.”

“That was six years ago, Aunt Edna.”

“Right. Hardly any time at all. This is good coffee, dear.” She seemed mildly surprised.

We sat sharing silence for a moment, until I worked up the nerve to say, “I hope this doesn’t seem rude—because I am very happy to see you, of course—but can you tell me again what you’re doing here?”

She smacked her lips and gave me a long stare. “I heard about your wedding, and I wanted to congratulate you.”

“Who…I mean, how did you hear about it?” As far as I knew, no one in my family had a reliable way to contact Aunt Edna. She showed up when she pleased, and between-times she made herself a mystery.

She chortled. “O-ho, thought you could keep it a secret from me, hey? Well, girl, you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool old Edna. I’ve had this visit marked on my calendar for years. Now—” She set her mug down so forcefully some coffee sloshed over the side. “Let’s get to work, shall we?”

“Oh, that’s—”

“How much do you have planned already?”

I looked at her, trying to pick some words from the ether to string together into an answer. But I couldn’t. I opened my mouth, but instead of words, this squeaky wailing sound came out.

“Carrie?” she said.

The noise went on and on. I felt my cheeks with my fingertips, but my eyes were dry. If I wasn’t crying, I didn’t know what this outburst was. Hunger? Was it the sound of abject appetite?

“Oh—my girl…now, that’s not a good noise.”

She moved over to sit next to me. Pulling me into a crushing hug, she patted my hair and made small cooing noises. She smelled like pipe tobacco and tumbleweeds.

Once I quieted down, she said, “Now, tell me what’s going on, dear. Tell me true. Don’t try to placate me with pretty lies and excuses. Just lay it on me, no matter how shameful or embarrassing it is.”

I took a deep breath. “It’s nothing, really—” Aunt Edna raised an eyebrow. “Well, it’s just that I feel so…so…”

“Skeered?”

I nodded. “Yes. I am scared. It’s just…it’s like…I mean, you know? Like, it’s forever. Forever-ever.”

She gave my elbow a stiff pat. “You’ll be alright, dear. Everyone gets nervous before they get married. I’d think you a simpleton if you weren’t frightened.” She pressed her lips into a pitying smile. “Why don’t you go take a nap, dear?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Don’t argue with me, girl,” she said. “And don’t worry about keeping me entertained. I’ve got plenty to keep me busy.”

She steered me into the bedroom, guided me under the covers, and tucked me in. I closed my eyes. A faint breeze met my face.

“Aunt Edna,” I said, “what’re you doing?”

The breeze stopped for a moment. “It’s easier to sleep when you’re cool.” Then the breeze resumed. It smelled of coffee and moth balls.

She was right.

---

There’s more. Much more. You haven’t even met the falcon yet.

But all that will have to wait. I tell the whole story in a little-lauded Wedding Book that’s been forthcoming for a decade now. It’ll probably still be forthcoming in another decade, so in the meantime we’ll get back to what we human people do best:

A GREAT AND TERRIBLE FLIRT.

See you next Valentine’s Day.

And Yet More Flirting Tips for Human People

Here at EARTH, the flirting never stops! Human people are always on the lookout for a cute li’l snack to flirt at until they can take the time to devour them properly.

BUT HOW DO THEY KEEP THIS UP FOR THE TWENTY-FOUR LONG HOURS OF A STANDARD EARTH DAY?

Well, after years of observation we finally have the answers. Read on to find out.

To do a flirt

1. It all starts with limbering up. Human people have lots of fun sayings like, “A healthy body leads to a healthy mind!” and similar illogical statements. By the substitution property of proverbs, we can understand that a flirty body leads to a flirty mind, and a flirty mind is always prepared to seize any opportunity for a good ogle.

2. Identify a flirtee. Each human person is equipped with two large orbs in the front of their head to constantly scan for potential mates. Not sure what to look for? Try this list of Attractive Human Qualities:

   1. Strong, square jaw

   2. Long, shiny hair

   3. Lustrous beard

   4. Small waist and round, child-bearing hips

   5. Broad shoulders

   6. Large, red lips

   7. Low-pitched voice

   8. Small feet

   9. Full breasts

   10. Ample chest hair

   Have you found this person? Great!

3. Bring a gift. In the illustration above, you can see that one suitor has brought his flirtee a large egg, which human people consider the most valuable object on their small planet. Notice the frustrated expressions on the other suitors’ faces: they know their offerings cannot compare. A potted plant? A floppy hat and infinity scarf that are pre-worn? Some kind of cheugy sign to hang in her foyer? Come on. The ram did not even bring a gift. He knows he has no chance at a successful flirt.

4. Prepare a dance. Many Earth species dance to attract a mate, and it appears the human is no different. Start by gathering up all your dangly bits—limbs and hair and whatnot—and flinging them about in different directions. Try a jump. An elaborate twirl. Shake. (We’re not certain yet exactly what to shake, as directives differ, so it’s best to play it safe and shake everything.) Do a flip.

   1. Tip: Don’t forget music. Our research has shown this to be an important part of the ritual, as dancing in silence is seen by human people as an unsettling deterrent to further flirts.

5. Once you have succeeded in the above tasks, set out a fancy table with starched white linens and taper candles. This lets the flirtee know you are ready for consume-ation. But that doesn’t mean you can resort to churlish behavior! Allow the flirtee to dictate for themselves in what manner they will be prepared for the meal. Baked? Grilled? Wrapped in banana leaves and roasted in a pit? Remain perfectly polite to the end and you will find you are left with no bitter aftertaste in the morning.

“Truly,” you will tell your friends when you are fully sated, “they were indeed more than a snack. They were in fact an entire meal.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow human people, and godspeed on your flirts!

Flirting Tips for Human People, Vol. IV

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all—as we remember with gratitude that long-ago day when St. Valentine chopped down a cherry tree to drive all the snakes out of our hearts. What could say “ROMANCE” louder than that? A bullhorn? Don’t be cute. That was a rhetorical question and you know it.

Anyway.

Over the past few years, we’ve covered lots of flirting tips for all the normal human people out there. What we haven’t talked about (because it’s frankly kind of a bummer) is what to do when you find yourself in the awkward position of having to rebuff unwanted romantic gestures.

Fortunately, I have a wealth of experience in this area. Not in being rebuffed, because in my mind only a psychopath would risk the sort of vulnerability that leads to the possibility of rejection, but I do know a bit about rebuffing. In fact, you might call me the Rebuff Kid. It’s not a great name, but we’re just spitballing here.

I’m not proud of my role as the Rebuff Kid.

Just that other people’s crushes have always seemed a sort of imposition. They’re so much pressure. Someone would offer me their fragile little paper heart and I’d just stand there stammering like, YOU DARE TO—WHO GAVE YOU THE RI—THE AUDACITY—! and I’d nervously tear their heart to shreds and place each piece inside my mouth and gum it around until it formed a soggy mass and then I’d swallow it in one disgusting gulp.

Really what I meant as I stared at them in horror was, YOU WHAT?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? HOW CAN I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT IF YOU’RE THE TYPE OF MANIAC TO PICK ME AS YOUR VALENTINE? ARE YOU…I MEAN, ARE YOU LIKE A LITTLE BIT STUPID OR SOMETHING?

I know. It’s dumb. Think of all the candy I could have eaten if I’d only been a little more mature. But the whole thing just felt so grotesque. The other kids in school were always watching, waiting to POUNCE and MAKE A HUGE DEAL out of any tiny show of sentimentality. I felt constantly hunted. And as a result, I turned into a beast.

In order to protect myself and those around me (but mostly, let’s be honest, myself), I decided to BOYCOTT VALENTINE’S DAY. Every February 14th I wore all black and scoffed derisively at couples being mushy and was generally a bit of a teenage ass.

Except that wasn’t the whole story. Since we were little, my mom has always made a big to-do of the holiday, decorating the table with hearts and flowers before school, leaving us notes on pink construction-paper hearts along with a bundle of Hershey’s kisses. I’m not sure how I managed the cognitive dissonance of scowling at anyone who dared mention love while surreptitiously sneaking chocolate kisses between classes. It took a confrontation from an exasperated boyfriend to finally convince me that I…was being…a fool.

There’s nothing wrong with telling someone about your feelings. In fact, it’s unspeakably brave. And it deserves a more measured response than backing slowly away as if they are a dinosaur that can sense movement so the only way to escape the situation is to inch your way silently, sweatily past until you can break into a sprint.

So let’s get into it. (Finally.)

REJECTION TIPS FOR HUMAN PEOPLE
WHO DON’T CARE FOR OTHER HUMAN PEOPLE
DOING THEM A FLIRT

1. We’ve already touched on the first step: Remember how much courage it took to put themselves out there. To approach you and reveal their most secret, most tender feelings for you. The apple of their eye. The knees of their bees. Their sweet little cabbage of love.

2. Now you feel terrible, don’t you? Like your insides have melted and slithered down to puddle in your socks, leaving you a cold, empty, heartless husk. Well, GOOD. YOU DESERVE IT.

3. I’m mostly kidding. Nobody deserves that. It’s just an unfortunate situation all around. You can’t manufacture feelings just to avoid hurting someone else.

4. OR CAN YOU? Why not take a little trip down to the Feelings Factory and watch through a large window as their state-of-the-art facility assembles customized feelings for you WHILE YOU WAIT? You’ll be experiencing romantic reciprocity in no time—FINALLY! A SOLUTION FOR PERMANENT REQUITED LOVE! THANKS, FEELINGS FACTORY!

5. Except you can’t do that. The Feelings Factory is a made-up place. Like Neverland. And Nebraska. However, you can still follow fiction’s lead and employ a TROPE. Like the old Pretend-You-Have-Feelings-For-Them-Too-Until-It-Goes-Too-Far-and-You-Have-to-Break-Up-Thus-Hurting-Them-More-Than-If-You’d-Just-Been-Truthful-In-the-First-Place trope—a classic! Or the old Fake-Your-Own-Death trope. What could go wrong?

6. Hire a bodyguard to keep all would-be suitors at bay. You never have to be responsible for hurting anyone’s feelings if you never give them the chance to tell you how they feel, right? That’s a mature way to handle your issues, right?

7. Right??

8. In a similar vein, you could try wearing a disguise and talking loudly about how terrible and gross you are until all their feelings for you have dried up like a grimy old sponge. This approach has a relatively low success rate, but it’s worth a try. Plus it’s always fun to wear a disguise.

9. Pretend you’re a ghost. Get your friends to play along. Practice your spooky ghost noises. Convince them it would never work out between you because you are a spirit and they are still bound to this mortal coil. Is this gaslighting? YES. TECHNICALLY. But does it also add a sense of wistful mystery to their lives? MAYBE. I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY TRIED THIS APPROACH SO IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY. PLEASE REPORT BACK WITH YOUR FINDINGS IF YOU CHOOSE THIS TECHNIQUE.

10. As a last resort, try being honest and straightforward with them. If you truly don’t like them, say, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THIS HONOR BUT I MUST DECLINE. If you like them but don’t know how to say it, don’t say anything, just GIVE ‘EM A SMOOCH. And if you find yourself panicking, try something like, EXCUSE ME BUT YOU HAVE DONE ME A FRIGHT. PLEASE WAIT WHILE I RUN AROUND FOR TEN MINUTES, AT WHICH POINT I WILL RETURN WITH LESS ADRENALINE AND MORE COMPOSURE TO ADDRESS THE MATTER AT HAND—FOR NOW, I MUST BID YOU ADIEU! Make sure you wear sneakers on V-Day for just this situation.

11. Whatever you do, make sure to be kind. Let them down gently. You might want to give them some flowers and chocolate in return, to soften the blow. Hire a string quartet to nurse them through their heartbreak. Buy them a teddy bear. Give them your car. Give them anything—anything to take away the crestfallen look on their face—good God, make it stop! What kind of world is this?!

And if you find yourself rejected this Valentine’s Day, please know I wish I could gather you up in a big hug and give you a squeeze. You are brave. You are thoughtful. But most importantly, remember that plenty of people love you just because you’re you.

Now have another Hershey’s kiss, my sweet little cabbage.

Flirting Tips for Human People

FRIENDS. I realize that up till now I may have given the impression that I am more or less a misanthropic recluse who would rather chew my own leg off than spend time with other human people. This is mostly true. HOWEVER--as much as I fear and loathe social interaction, I do love watching other people interact with each other. In fact, through my observations, I've become something of an expert in the matter of flirting. The following represents the sum of my knowledge on the subject.

You are so very welcome.

Our scene is a party. Passed apps--something wrapped in rice paper, heavy on the cucumbers. Summer aperitifs--lightly fizzy, with a single red raspberry bobbing like a jewel among the bubbles. Human people--talking, laughing, mingling. The scene is ripe for romance.

You are there, a little sweaty, but not too sweaty, not like anyone will look you up and down and be like, "It wasn't supposed to rain today! I left the sunroof open on my Hyundai Sonata! Why does this always happen to me?" You're wearing that new outfit you bought the other day because the salesperson told you it made you look older. "Like twenty-five," she said. So, yeah, you're feeling pretty good. Your hair isn't doing that weird thing. You've managed not to drip any of the dipping sauce from those cucumber things on your shirt. AND, as if that's not enough, an exceedingly cute human person has made eye contact with you four times in the past seven minutes.

It's go time. This is your moment. Time to shine.

Remember: First impressions are EVERYTHING. And they happen before you say a single word to each other. So go ahead and give 'em The Look from across the room. You know the one:

Make or find animated gifs like World's most shocked owl goes viral after hilarious TV appearance which stunned the audience on gifs.com

Now that things are heating up, saunter on over and begin the flirting.

1. There's no point in striking up a flirtation unless you have something to offer to the other person. Are you smart? Funny? Good-looking? If so, these tips are not for you. Surely you've got enough going on. You can go ahead and keep doing what you're doing, which I assume consists of leaning in doorways and looking aloof yet wry.
2. The rest of us will need some interesting or valuable skills to snare the attention of that special someone. Can you do impressions? Or parallel park on the first try? Are you an accomplished bow hunter who could provide for them if you were stranded together in the wilderness? Do yourself a favor and drop your credentials into the conversation as soon as possible, e.g. "GOOD EVENING MY NAME IS MILTON HAVE I MENTIONED I HAVE A BLACK BELT IN THE DELICATE ART OF FOLDING TABLE NAPKINS?"
3. Don't neglect your personality, though. If you have a good one, it'll shine right through and you have nothing else to worry about. Proceed to Step 5.
4. If, however, you have a bad personality, you're gonna need to do some work (ask your friends if you're not sure, and if you don't have friends, there's your answer). If this is you, leave the party now. Go home and have a long think about your life. But save that outfit. You really do look great in it.
5. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need a seek out a magic opening line. You don't have to engineer a meet cute or finagle a fake chance meeting. You don't need to do anything. If it's meant to be--and I think it is--you will simply find yourself, suddenly and mysteriously, in deep and scintillating conversation. There, wasn't that easy?
6. Keep things playful. Creep up behind them, pull a burlap sack over their head, and whisper, "Guess who?" If they scream and elbow you in the gut, it just means they like you. Honestly.
7. Mirror their body language. This tip is backed up by SCIENCE, which says that humans love looking at themselves, so the more you can trick them into thinking they're actually looking in a mirror, the more they'll like you. We're like birds that way. In fact, I see no reason not to follow that out to its logical conclusion: Go ahead and style your hair like theirs. Show up in the same outfit. Make a plaster mold of their face. Retreat to the bathroom to finish crafting your mask. They won't be able to resist you once you look exactly like them. Ignore the shouts of the other party-goers as they pound impatiently on the door. Their bladders will have to wait. Love is on the line.
8. Speaking of body language, make sure yours is open, inviting, and confident. Like a starfish. Spread your limbs out to all sides so that you look like a giant X. If you feel comfortable taking it to the next level, dribble your drink into your mouth from high in the air, like you're a reverse fountain. Hey, look at you! You're flirting! 
9. Not sure what to talk about? Ask a question you can connect over, like, "Should I get bangs?" This is a great one because it makes the other person focus on your forehead, which we all know is the sexiest part of the human form.
10. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and as you pass by them, slap 'em on the butt like a football player. If they protest, say, "Whoops! I thought that was my butt!"
11. Actually, don't do that. It's weird. Keep your hands to yourself. Forever. In fact, stand way over on the other side of the room and do a little close-up magic. If that doesn't entice them over, then it's time to move on, friend.
12. Some people will tell you that the ideal amount of eye contact in normal human conversations is 60/40; roughly, that translates to three seconds on, two seconds off (HOORAY FRACTIONS!). But I would posit a ratio of 100/0. I mean, can you really have too much eye contact? Caaan yooou? 
13. No. You cannot.
14. If there's music playing, get that sucka out on the dance floor and bust every one of your very best moves. Really put on a show. You are a bird of paradise, flaunting your glorious plumage! You are a sage-grouse puffing your chest up with air until it pops! You are a hooded seal proudly inflating your face balloon! Communicate only with your body--your twirls and shimmies and shakes--that your entire life has been leading up to this moment, this one right now, with the flashing lights and the thundering bass and the sweat of a thousand strangers soaring through the air like so much confetti. OH, ISN'T IT MAGICAL!
15. Before you part ways for the night, it's polite to offer your flirtee an offering of some sort. Sashay up to them, take their wrist gently, and drop the dead mouse you've been carrying in your mouth right into their palm. They will be overcome by your generosity, and from that moment on they will be yours.

Ah, well done. Congratulations, friend, on doing a flirt.