PRE-ORDERS ARE LIVE

YOU. CAN ORDER. THE BOOK. IT’S THERE. IT’S HAPPENING. HOORAAAAY.

The closer we get to the launch date, the less coherent I become, so maybe it’s best to stick to some structured question-and-answer.

WHAT SHOULD I ORDER?

This book right here, A DAZZLE OF ZEBRAS, by that silly woman over there, CARRIE MULLER.

WHEN SHOULD I ORDER IT?

Right now! Immediately! BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

The official release is October 18th, 2022, but the sooner you order it, the sooner you get to read it (and smugly judge my writing abilities from the comfort of your very own home/toilet/morning commute). Now, doesn’t that make you want to rush right out and order a copy?

WHERE SHOULD I ORDER IT?

  1. Head over to your local bookstore and/or library and ask them for A Dazzle of Zebras by Madam Carrie Muller. Tell them it’s available on Ingram. They’ll know what that means. (If they don’t, just make uncomfortable eye contact for 5-10 seconds before running out of the store.)

  2. It is also available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, if you prefer (although that whole local bookstore thing…pret-ty fun!).

  3. Money should never be a barrier for anyone who wants to read a book. To that end, libraries are getting another mention here because I can’t overstate how amazing it is to be able to walk into a building and walk out with a stack of FREE BOOKS. In any other situation, this would be called THIEVERY.

  4. Or, if you want to try your luck, there will be occasional GIVEAWAYS. Sign up for the newsletter below to keep updated.

  5. Alternatively, if you NEED to have a copy in your hands ON release day, the ebook version is only $2.99, which is probably about what you could scrounge up from the cupholders of your car. (Assuming you have a car. If you don’t, good for you! With the amount you’re saving on gas and insurance, why not reward yourself with an ebook for $2.99?)

WHOM SHOULD I ORDER IT FOR?

Anyone. Everyone. I think your great-aunt would like a copy. Probably your dog, too. Maybe send one to your dentist so they can keep it in their waiting room.

WHY SHOULD I ORDER IT?

Oh. Hm. Well…that’s a toughie.

But you know, I genuinely think you will enjoy it. That is difficult for me to say because self-deprecation is my native language, but that’s also sort of the whole point of the book: vulnerability is hard. And believing anything nice about yourself might be the hardest thing of all.

Order this book because it’s about friendship and first love and the difficulty of being a person. Order it because it looks at anxiety with compassion and grace. Order it because it will make you laugh. I promise.

And if you do order it, whether it’s a pre-order or whether you pick it up in your dentist’s waiting room six months from now, please know how much I appreciate you. I know I say this all the time, but it’s still true:

You’re the best.

Thank you.

Dune Diary

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July 17th—

There are very few books I violently dislike. Anything by James Joyce. The Catcher in the Rye. Most Dickens novels (apart from the delightful character names, they are GRATUITOUSLY OVERWRITTEN AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN EDITED WHEN THEY WERE ASSEMBLED FROM SERIALS—FIGHT ME ABOUT IT).

Now, I’m afraid I must add Frank Herbert’s Dune to this list.

I’ll save the whys and wherefores for a later day, but suffice it to say that I have been reading for eighty…ninety years now? and I am only 115 pages in.

Out of a 500-page book.

Not counting the appendices.

Of which there are four. Plus something called the “Terminology of the Imperium.”

…Frank. Come on.

So, why am I putting myself through this, you ask (somewhat defensively, I’d guess, if you are a fan)?

Simply put, Bill challenged me to read it, and I am notoriously competitive and thus easily manipulated into doing things. A fact about myself which I probably should have kept secret.

Plus, I guess he wants to include me in his life and whatever, like a nice person. There’s a new movie adaptation coming out in 2020, and he’s in a Dune club with some friends. Mostly they send each other Dune memes and come up with punny Dune names, like Harko-No-You-Didn’t and Gom Abdul-Jabbar. (I just came up with those two! All by my lonesome! But they still won’t let me in until I finish the book. So here we are.)

And so it was partly FOMO, partly hubris, partly the siren’s call of rampant punnery that made me chirp, “Sure thing!” and dive in.

Remaining pages: 386 — NOT INCLUDING THE FOUR APPENDICES AND TERMINOLOGY OF THE IMPERIUM. JUST—I MEAN—COME ON, FRANK.

July 19th—

CONS OF DUNE (so far):

  • The sentence structure? Is so weird?

  • There’s no levity. The Baron is the closest we have so far, and the rest of it is flatter than the desert landscape of Arrakis.

  • The head-hopping inner thoughts. Bill says it’s necessary to the story, but it’s hard to get used to.

  • I feel like an idiot when I have to re-read entire pages because I didn’t take in anything I read.

  • Paul. DO NOT LIKE.

PROS OF DUNE (so far):

  • Lady Jessica

  • Reverend Mother

  • That plant room?

  • The dew gatherers! I want that to be my job now, and I hope we hear more from these mysterious heroes of precipitation.

  • Kynes becoming startled as Paul fulfills prophecies of Lisan al-Gaib. I eagerly await his next quotes:

    • He will know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. African AND European.

    • He has beaten the giant, which means he’s exceptionally strong, so he could've put the poison in his own goblet, trusting on his strength to save him. But, he’s also bested the Spaniard, which means he must have studied, and in studying he must have learned that man is mortal, so he would have put the poison as far from himself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

    • Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives...

Remaining pages: 368

July 20th—

DUNCAN YOU-DA-HO.

July 21st—

We’re wilting our way through a heat wave. The heat index is 111. I am sitting in a kiddie pool on the porch. It’s designed like a donut. The pool, that is—not the porch. Although that’s an idea.

I must say, it feels unbelievably decadent to be lounging in here while reading about water-conserving stillsuits on a desert planet.

Although I’m a bit worried that I’m acting out the frog-in-boiling-water fable. It’s getting rather warm in here. And all I can think about is—”the tooth!”

Remaining pages: 331

July 23rd—

Reading Dune has been great for my To-Be-Read list. I made a deal with myself that I can read one chapter of another book for every section of Dune I read.

Or…you know. An entire book for every section of Dune.

So far I’ve read four and a half other books in the time it’s taken me to read the first third of Dune. I haven’t read this much in years! THANKS, FRANK!

Remaining pages: 320

July 25th—

Bill is out of town through the weekend.

Nobody here to shame me for reading other books when I should be slogging through Dune.

TIME TO READ ALL SEVEN HARRY POTTER BOOKS FOR THE EIGHTIETH TIME.

July 29th—

Damn you, Frank Herbert. I hope you get eaten by a sand worm.

Remaining pages: 319

August 2nd—

I’ve read part of this book before. Back when I was teaching kindergarten, I would sit on a stool in the kitchen during my breaks, hunch over this book, and turn pages without actually registering any of the words. I had to return it to the library before I got halfway through.

Truly, every unfinished book comes back to haunt us—eventually.

Now that I think about it, it may have been Bill talking about it then that made me decide to read it.

There’s a lesson here.

August 18th—

It has been pointed out to me that I’d finish the book a lot faster if I spent less time blogging about it.

Joke’s on them, though. If I weren’t blogging right now, I’d be watching YouTube videos on how to re-pierce my own ears, so.

August 24th—

I feel as though not only am I not making progress in this book, I might actually be going backward.

September 6th—

I just asked if Duncan Idaho is still alive and Bill made a face like:

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September 17th—

Okay, I just want to pause for a moment and say that I am a COLLEGE-EDUCATED LADY. I have a BACHELOR’S DEGREE in ENGLISH LITERATURE. I received a NEAR-PERFECT SCORE on the READING section of the SATs, and I got 5s on BOTH MY AP ENGLISH TESTS. In first grade, I was sent to the SECOND grade classroom for READING TIME. WHICH WAS A PRETTY BIG DEAL AT THE TIME.

I’m not saying any of this to brag. Just to set the stage for the humiliating confession that I CANNOT RETAIN ANYTHING THAT’S HAPPENING IN THIS BOOK. IT’S AS IF I SEE THE LETTERS, INTERPRET THEM AS WORDS, BUT THEN COMPLETELY SKIP OVER THE PART WHERE YOU STRING THE WORDS TOGETHER AND ASSIGN THEM MEANING. THIS BOOK HAS UNDONE ME. I HAVE TO RIP UP MY DIPLOMA. THIS IS IT FOR ME. IT’S ALL OVER. MIGHT AS WELL ABANDON EVERYTHING AND LIVE AS A BEACH BUM, WHICH WAS MY ORIGINAL LIFE PLAN, SINCE I AM CLEARLY AN IRREDEEMABLE HALF-WIT.

GOODBYE.

November 11th—

Alright, this is getting ridiculous. Lady Jessica and Paul are just knocking about in the desert, we’ve dedicated an entire chapter to a sand slide, apparently Jess (can I call her Jess? I feel like we’ve known each other for A THOUSAND YEARS) can put herself in a comatose state at will, and I still have no idea how Frank Herbert could create an entire fictional world but couldn’t think of another word to use except “sphincter” for the opening of the stilltent. COME ON, FRANK. GET IT TOGETHER.

I need to finish this. It needs to end.

Time to DEAR: Drop Everything and Read. Elementary school-style.

Let’s do this.

Remaining pages: 237

November 28th—

(Gathered around the dinner table)

Me: …and finally, I’m very thankful that Frank Herbert never wrote a sequel to Dune.

(Everyone else looks at each other uncomfortably.)

Me: He…he didn’t. (nervously loading mashed potatoes onto plate) You’re wrong. He didn’t. It’s just the one. (the pile fills the plate) DON’T TRY TO TELL ME ANY DIFFERENTLY. (scraping the bottom of the mashed potato dish) I’M NOT READING ANOTHER ONE. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. (smearing gravy under eyes) THIS IS THE END, YOU HEAR ME?! THERE’S NO MORE!

November 30th—

Finally we get to see Lady Jessica fight! That should’ve been the whole plot of the book. It should’ve been called Lady Jessica Fights Everything, Including a Sand Worm.

Remaining pages: 204

December 2nd—

In my first draft of this, back in July, I thought I’d be done sometime around September.

…Am I laughing? It—it’s hard for me to tell the difference between laughing and crying these days. Are my eyes wet? Am I smiling? Nothing is real anymore.

December 5th—

To be fair, Bill is also reading my favorite book in exchange: Anne of Green Gables. However, that book is for children and it’s an international treasure, so I’m not surprised that he’s zipping right through it.

Anyway.

We’re flying to California in a few weeks, and I don’t want to have to bring this along, not least because the book is in fragile condition. Bill’s out of town this weekend on business, so my plan is to hunker down and finish as much as I can…while bribing myself with stacks on stacks of those little fudge-stripe cookies.

December 6th—

  • AN ENTIRE CHAPTER FOR A SINGLE CONVERSATION?! This book could never be published today.

  • AAWWW SHEEYIT! JAMIS AND PAUL FACING OFF!

  • FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

  • “I’ll teach you agony” — how did it take 300 pages for this book to get good?!

  • DON’T WEAR A STILLSUIT TO A CRYSKNIFE FIGHT, AMIRITE?

  • Or something.

  • “Fear is the mind-killer.” This whole scene reads like a typical therapy session for me.

  • “First, you must find my blood.” I DON’T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT THIS JAMIS PUNK IS DONE-ZO.

  • Ugh PAUL get it toGETHer. You’re TOO SLOW. LISTEN TO YOUR WITCH MOTHER.

  • A HIT! A HIT!

  • GOT ‘IM IN THE HAND! Too bad Jamis is AMBIDEXTROUS!

  • Wow, Stilgar. What a time to let Paul know that it’s a fight to the death. Here he was thinking it was to the pain.

  • “The terrified man fights himself.” Thass deep.

  • Poor Jamis. You were one crazy dude, and you may have only been introduced to be killed off by Paul, but you put up a good fight.

  • “I HAVE BESTED YOUR TROOPMATE. YOU MAY CALL ME POP-HOP MOUSE.”

  • God, this goes even slower when I blog about it.

Remaining pages: 183

December 7th—

Aw, man. I was just getting into it and now we’re back with the Baron and his mimbly-mouthed friends. Innnteresting how Feyd’s fight differs from Paul’s. I WONDER IF THEY’LL EVER FACE OFF.

Remaining pages: 154

December 13th—

Enough is enough. I will have this book finished by the end of the weekend or I will die trying. And my tribe will take my water. As is just and right.

December 14th—

This is a lovely day for reading, but a terrible day for reading Dune. Fog clings in the streets and moisture hangs in the air. It’s my favorite type of weather, and this book is making me feel guilty for enjoying all this water.

Remaining pages: 118

December 15th—

  • Seriously, two baron chapters in a row? Boooo!

  • Being in Paul’s head is more confusing than usual. I still can’t tell if there’s been a drastic time jump or not.

  • Wait, what? Chani had Paul’s baby?

  • I need to consult an expert.

  • Here’s how it went: “WOT IS GOING ON?” I asked. To which Bill replied, “I think at this point in the book, Paul is really struggling with seeing all the different timelines.” “I think we’re all struggling,” I said. And then he smiled in cryptic silence.

  • Oh. I just had to read one more paragraph and it all became clear.

  • SAND SHANTIES! Of course they have sand shanties.

  • How old is Paul at this point? I was under the impression he was like, fifteen. And he’s shackin’ up with his girlfriend? WHERE IS HIS REVEREND MOTHER?

  • Whatever. Doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is Paul is going to RIDE a SAND WORM.

  • Okay—Paul is at least eighteen at this point. Thanks for clarifying, Stilgar!

  • What a surprise, Paul’s gonna ride the BIGGEST WORM IN HISTORY OR WHATEVER.

  • Oh, but he didn’t do a great job. Jeez, Paul. Twelve-year-olds ride these suckas. Get it together, kid. You should be embarrassed.

  • Let’s pause for a moment. I want to explain that I don’t dislike Dune because it’s a bad book. The book is fine, obviously. It’s one of the bestselling sci-fi books of all time. I appreciate it for what it is. However, things like political scheming and religious tribal law and family dynasties and prophetic visions make me, personally, feel very tired. I can definitely see how some people would be TOTALLY into it, but it was never going to be my thing. You know what is my thing? Using humor to cope with things that make me want to undergo the spice agony.

  • Alright, then. Let’s get back to it. We’ve got 82 pages left.

  • Mm. I do always love a heartwarming reunion of old friends, in the middle of the desert, where giant worms could emerge and gobble them up at any moment.

  • “You young pup! You young pup!” This is adorable. Best friends alert!

  • You know who's NOT bff, though? Stilgar and Gurney. Best enemies alert!

  • Ooh, I forgot about Gurney’s vendetta against Lady Jessica! And I like that they’re just like, “Hey, man, no worries about that whole attempted assassination thing. Why don’tcha just sit and play us a li’l tune there on yer baliset?”

  • UGGGHH OF COURSE YOU DRANK THE POISON PAUL YOU’RE THE WOOORST

  • 42 PAGES LEFT! THAT’S NOT A LOT OF PAGES FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN, CONSIDERING THE PACING HERBERT USES

  • HERE’S WHAT I HOPE HAPPENS OVER THOSE 42 PAGES: PAUL DIVES INTO A SAND WORM’S MOUTH AND SLICES ITS HEAD OFF FROM THE INSIDE LIKE HERCULES WITH THE HYDRA, AND THEN HE ASSUMES THE WORM SUIT AND IS ALL LIKE, “I AM DE MAKER NOW,” AND I HOPE THE SPICE EXPLOSION THAT KILLED KYNES BECOMES IMPORTANT BECAUSE THAT WAS A REAL BUMMER OF A CHAPTER, AND I HOPE THERE’S ANOTHER BOOK THAT’S JUST ABOUT THE PLANETOLOGY STUFF BECAUSE THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS INTERESTING, AND I HOPE JESSICA AND CHANI RULE THE TROOP TOGETHER AND THAT ALIA AND HARAH HAVE A BUDDY SPIN-OFF CALLED “GIRLS IN THE SIETCH” AND GURNEY JUST KEEPS ON SHREDDIN’ THE BALISET AND WE NEVER HEAR FROM THE BARON OR FEYD-RAUTHA EVER AGAIN THE END.

  • Okay. I had a piece of pie and calmed down a bit. Sorry about that. Now let’s finish this. I’m ready to sit back and watch all my predictions come true. Here we go.

  • Has Gurney always talked like a crusty, old pirate?

  • OH, NO! ALIA AND BEBE LETO! This is not at ALL what I predicted!

  • I kind of like the Emperor. He does not suffer fools.

  • “I told you…my brother comes.”

  • OH DAAAMN ALIA WITH THE GOM JABBAR!

  • AND HERE COME THE WOOORMS!

  • Finally we get to meet the prolific Princess Irulan! She’s taller than I expected.

  • Here we go. Paul v. Feyd. KANLY!

  • I have to admit, I am kind of into these fight scenes. Not every writer can pull off a good one-on-one knife fight, much less three in one book. Way to go, Frank.

  • Although, Feyd forcing his poison hip dart toward Paul as they struggle on the ground is…an image.

  • Whew! In a matter of pages, Feyd is stabbed in the brain; sentences, titles, and slaps are given; loose ends are tied up. And with that…

  • IT IS FINISHED.

  • REMAINING PAGES: 0

  • THE TERRIBLE TIME IS OVER AT LAST.

Later—

Bill: You know, this is a series….

Me:

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