Happy Valentine’s Day to you all—as we remember with gratitude that long-ago day when St. Valentine chopped down a cherry tree to drive all the snakes out of our hearts. What could say “ROMANCE” louder than that? A bullhorn? Don’t be cute. That was a rhetorical question and you know it.

Anyway.

Over the past few years, we’ve covered lots of flirting tips for all the normal human people out there. What we haven’t talked about (because it’s frankly kind of a bummer) is what to do when you find yourself in the awkward position of having to rebuff unwanted romantic gestures.

Fortunately, I have a wealth of experience in this area. Not in being rebuffed, because in my mind only a psychopath would risk the sort of vulnerability that leads to the possibility of rejection, but I do know a bit about rebuffing. In fact, you might call me the Rebuff Kid. It’s not a great name, but we’re just spitballing here.

I’m not proud of my role as the Rebuff Kid.

Just that other people’s crushes have always seemed a sort of imposition. They’re so much pressure. Someone would offer me their fragile little paper heart and I’d just stand there stammering like, YOU DARE TO—WHO GAVE YOU THE RI—THE AUDACITY—! and I’d nervously tear their heart to shreds and place each piece inside my mouth and gum it around until it formed a soggy mass and then I’d swallow it in one disgusting gulp.

Really what I meant as I stared at them in horror was, YOU WHAT?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? HOW CAN I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT IF YOU’RE THE TYPE OF MANIAC TO PICK ME AS YOUR VALENTINE? ARE YOU…I MEAN, ARE YOU LIKE A LITTLE BIT STUPID OR SOMETHING?

I know. It’s dumb. Think of all the candy I could have eaten if I’d only been a little more mature. But the whole thing just felt so grotesque. The other kids in school were always watching, waiting to POUNCE and MAKE A HUGE DEAL out of any tiny show of sentimentality. I felt constantly hunted. And as a result, I turned into a beast.

In order to protect myself and those around me (but mostly, let’s be honest, myself), I decided to BOYCOTT VALENTINE’S DAY. Every February 14th I wore all black and scoffed derisively at couples being mushy and was generally a bit of a teenage ass.

Except that wasn’t the whole story. Since we were little, my mom has always made a big to-do of the holiday, decorating the table with hearts and flowers before school, leaving us notes on pink construction-paper hearts along with a bundle of Hershey’s kisses. I’m not sure how I managed the cognitive dissonance of scowling at anyone who dared mention love while surreptitiously sneaking chocolate kisses between classes. It took a confrontation from an exasperated boyfriend to finally convince me that I…was being…a fool.

There’s nothing wrong with telling someone about your feelings. In fact, it’s unspeakably brave. And it deserves a more measured response than backing slowly away as if they are a dinosaur that can sense movement so the only way to escape the situation is to inch your way silently, sweatily past until you can break into a sprint.

So let’s get into it. (Finally.)

REJECTION TIPS FOR HUMAN PEOPLE
WHO DON’T CARE FOR OTHER HUMAN PEOPLE
DOING THEM A FLIRT

1. We’ve already touched on the first step: Remember how much courage it took to put themselves out there. To approach you and reveal their most secret, most tender feelings for you. The apple of their eye. The knees of their bees. Their sweet little cabbage of love.

2. Now you feel terrible, don’t you? Like your insides have melted and slithered down to puddle in your socks, leaving you a cold, empty, heartless husk. Well, GOOD. YOU DESERVE IT.

3. I’m mostly kidding. Nobody deserves that. It’s just an unfortunate situation all around. You can’t manufacture feelings just to avoid hurting someone else.

4. OR CAN YOU? Why not take a little trip down to the Feelings Factory and watch through a large window as their state-of-the-art facility assembles customized feelings for you WHILE YOU WAIT? You’ll be experiencing romantic reciprocity in no time—FINALLY! A SOLUTION FOR PERMANENT REQUITED LOVE! THANKS, FEELINGS FACTORY!

5. Except you can’t do that. The Feelings Factory is a made-up place. Like Neverland. And Nebraska. However, you can still follow fiction’s lead and employ a TROPE. Like the old Pretend-You-Have-Feelings-For-Them-Too-Until-It-Goes-Too-Far-and-You-Have-to-Break-Up-Thus-Hurting-Them-More-Than-If-You’d-Just-Been-Truthful-In-the-First-Place trope—a classic! Or the old Fake-Your-Own-Death trope. What could go wrong?

6. Hire a bodyguard to keep all would-be suitors at bay. You never have to be responsible for hurting anyone’s feelings if you never give them the chance to tell you how they feel, right? That’s a mature way to handle your issues, right?

7. Right??

8. In a similar vein, you could try wearing a disguise and talking loudly about how terrible and gross you are until all their feelings for you have dried up like a grimy old sponge. This approach has a relatively low success rate, but it’s worth a try. Plus it’s always fun to wear a disguise.

9. Pretend you’re a ghost. Get your friends to play along. Practice your spooky ghost noises. Convince them it would never work out between you because you are a spirit and they are still bound to this mortal coil. Is this gaslighting? YES. TECHNICALLY. But does it also add a sense of wistful mystery to their lives? MAYBE. I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY TRIED THIS APPROACH SO IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY. PLEASE REPORT BACK WITH YOUR FINDINGS IF YOU CHOOSE THIS TECHNIQUE.

10. As a last resort, try being honest and straightforward with them. If you truly don’t like them, say, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THIS HONOR BUT I MUST DECLINE. If you like them but don’t know how to say it, don’t say anything, just GIVE ‘EM A SMOOCH. And if you find yourself panicking, try something like, EXCUSE ME BUT YOU HAVE DONE ME A FRIGHT. PLEASE WAIT WHILE I RUN AROUND FOR TEN MINUTES, AT WHICH POINT I WILL RETURN WITH LESS ADRENALINE AND MORE COMPOSURE TO ADDRESS THE MATTER AT HAND—FOR NOW, I MUST BID YOU ADIEU! Make sure you wear sneakers on V-Day for just this situation.

11. Whatever you do, make sure to be kind. Let them down gently. You might want to give them some flowers and chocolate in return, to soften the blow. Hire a string quartet to nurse them through their heartbreak. Buy them a teddy bear. Give them your car. Give them anything—anything to take away the crestfallen look on their face—good God, make it stop! What kind of world is this?!

And if you find yourself rejected this Valentine’s Day, please know I wish I could gather you up in a big hug and give you a squeeze. You are brave. You are thoughtful. But most importantly, remember that plenty of people love you just because you’re you.

Now have another Hershey’s kiss, my sweet little cabbage.