I have secured an editor for the book. Her name is SUSAN and she’s the BEST. However, handing it off to someone else leaves me without anything to tinker and obsess over, so what else is there to do in the meantime?

ANSWER: PLENTY. There is NO TIME TO WASTE.

Most of it involves marketing. PRE-MARKETING. YOU MIGHT SAY.

[Side note: I know I’m not one to hold back the caps-lock, but I’ll probably go extra heavy on it in this post because marketing is actually the WORST and I have to PSYCH MYSELF UP for it. I APOLOGIZE.]

All the articles say one of the best things you can do as an aspiring or established author is GROW YOUR PLATFORM. I wish that meant the size of your heels, as I am all about that disco look, but NO. GET A GRIP. It actually means your online presence: social media, a blog (heyo!), YouTube videos, OnlyFans—any way you can get VISIBILITY and ENTICE UNSUSPECTING READERS to PLEDGE their LOYALTY to you and BUY ALL THE BOOKS. Plus any forthcoming MERCH.

I hate it. A lot of people hate it. It feels so mercenary and inauthentic, as if I want to strip mine you for your attention and money. Writers used to have it so easy. A thousand years ago, when writing was invented, all you had to do was show up with a story in your head and a song in your heart and be like, “Gutenberg, my good man! Would you be so good as to print this little tale of mine and distribute it among the literate populace? Thanks ever so, old chap!“ Granted, most of the population consisted of illiterate peasants, but if you were friends with the monarch, you could probably get them to make it mandatory for all citizens, literate or not, to purchase your book instead of firewood to warm themselves during the long, harsh winter.

But now, it’s all HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE. There are a JILLION BOOKS out there and a LIMITED NUMBER of READERS, and HALF those potential readers are already distracted by PODCASTS THESE DAYS.

Some of you have already asked me, HOW CAN I HELP? And to you darling people, I say THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. The honest answer is you don’t have to do anything! It’s enough that you’re reading my blog like a great friend and/or family member. And honestly, you ARE busy. You DO have podcasts to listen to. I know that. It’s sweet of you to want to support me and I appreciate you VERY MUCH.

But I guess, if you’re still insistent…here is a handy list of ways you can help your Friendly Neighborhood Writer. (Bonus: THEY ARE ALL FREE.)

• FOLLOW ME. To the ends of the earth. Just kidding—I don’t go anywhere! Instead, you can follow me on Instagram or Twitter @carriemulleryay. If you want. No pressure.

• SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER. Further instructions will await you in your inbox. This is actually one of the best free ways to support an author (aside from standing outside their house with an encouraging sign and some homemade peanut brittle) because it gives them STATS. How many subscribers do they have? How many people opened the email they sent? How many callously unsubscribed with nary a thought for their fragile emotions? How many were fake email addresses that bounced back, like seymourbuttes@aol.hotmail?

  (If you’re not sure whether you are already subscribed, just think back to earlier today. Did you find an email from me in your inbox? Did that email include a link to this post? If yes, you’re subscribed! If not, why not take a minute and subscribe now? Subscribe your friends! And your mom! And your dog! They’ll love the emails, I promise. They include a LOT of fun animal facts.)
  

• TELL YOUR FRIENDS. But just, like, keep it casual, you know? Don’t make it obvious that I want them to read my stuff. Just be cool. Okay? You promise you won’t tell them I like them? DO YOU PROMISE? Okay. Just be like, yeah, this lady is alright, I guess, she’s only like changed my life and whatever. Or whatever you want to say! That’s just like, a suggestion.

• PICKET YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY. I assume you’re doing this already, for one reason or another, but maybe add one more item to your list of grievances. Once the book comes out, it’d be COOL if your library could acquire it—that way you could read it for FREE and then maybe leave it in CONSPICUOUS PLACES AMONG THE STACKS so OTHER people will find it and read it TOO, and then you can start a BOOK CLUB TOGETHER and serve FANCY SCONES and then suddenly oh wow, LOOK AT ALL THE COOL BOOK CLUB FRIENDS YOU HAVE!

• VOLUNTEER FOR MY LITERACY FOUNDATION. It’s called BOOK, and the logo is just a picture of a person reading a book, because…if someone can’t read, I’m not about to make it harder for them to find us. My plan is to teach illiterate peasants to read so they can enjoy all my books instead of burning them for fuel. Win-win.

• LET ME KNOW WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU. In all seriousness, that’s really what this is all about, for me. That’s the trade. If you are giving me your time and attention, I want to give you something you’ll love in return. What can I make or do that will bring you happiness? Maybe that’s along the lines of, Name a character after me in your next book! or, Compose a song about slugs and perform it like you’re every member of an ‘80s hair band! or, Could you put out a colorful pamphlet on the dangers of eating apple cores? I hear the seeds have cyanide in them and I’m concerned because my boyfriend likes to eat apples whole. In one bite. It’s both alarming and fascinating. He’s done this eight times a day for fourteen years. Should he already be dead?

  If it’s in my power, I want to incorporate it into my work. For you. Because I love you. And because it’s a lot more fun to make something if you know in advance someone’s going to enjoy it.

  But yeah, please tell your boyfriend to stop Gaston-ing whole apples. That’s messed up.