All across the country, people are calling at their friends’ houses with covered baskets of the traditional tuna-egg Friendship Loaf (which only a true friend would eat) to share. Then, after the Dance of Conviviality, complete with ribbons and the customary clicker-clackers, they’ll settle in for a bit of a tipple and some fond reminiscence of Years Past.

However, this can be a sad day for some. Perhaps you live far away from your friends, and you must ship your Friendship Loaf to their home—no dance, no clicker-clackers, no festive yarn dolls to mark the occasion. Maybe your friends are all fish, and they don’t quite understand the concept of National Friendship Day. Or maybe your only friend was an old, old lady—so old that she seemed to be held together by dust and whispers—until recently when she passed away in her sleep, and now you’d like to know how to make some new friends.

Well, get ready, because we’ll be covering all of that in…

THE FRIENDSHIP MEGA-POST!

PART I: THE HISTORY OF FRIENDS

The year is 1994. David Crane and Marta Kauffman pitch a show about six twenty-somethings living and loving in New York City. Originally titled “Friends Like Us,” the sitcom featuring Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer premieres on September 22, 1994 to mixed reviews. However, as the series continu—

…Wait.

Oh. Yeah, no, I see what I did there. That’s…yeah, that’s my bad.

Let’s move on.

PART II: FAMOUS FRIENDS THROUGH THE AGES

• Frog & Toad

• Romy & Michele

• Simon & Garfunkel

• Socrates & Hemlock

• Harry & Ron

• Arm & Hammer

• Bosnia & Herzegovina

• Anne & Diana

• Amy & Tina

• Lucy & Ethel

• Narcissus & Narcissus

• The Fox & The Hound

• Gumby & Pokey

• Davey & Goliath

• Betsy & Tacy

• Fresh Prince & Jazzy Jeff

• Han & Chewie

• Laverne & Shirley

• Thelma & Louise

• Huey Lewis & The News

PART III: LET’S MAKE SOME FRIENDS!

THE BENEFITS OF FRIENDSHIP

Science has found that loneliness and isolation WILL KILL YOU. Experts tell us, "If you want to live longer than a peasant in the Middle Ages, just go out and make some friends!" as if it's the simplest thing in the world. As if interacting with people isn't terrifying and fraught with risk. (What if I call them by the wrong name? What if they don't want to be my friend? What if they're allergic to tree nuts and I suggest a game of Walnut Hockey and they give me a look like, Really? What if I lose my head during small talk and just punch them in the face? I can't be trusted around other people! I'm a monster!)

However, fear of other people does not change the fact that close relationships are vital to our mental and physical well-being. I don’t think it’s news to anyone that friends make life better in innumerable ways:

• They help you see your strengths—and accept your flaws

• They’re good for your social life

• They make the days go faster

• They make you feel better when you’re sad

• They give you gifts

• They take care of you

• They make sure you leave your house sometimes

• They appreciate your talents

• They defend you

• They share their lives with you

• They support your dreams. All of your dreams.

• Sometimes they do you a surprise

• They let you know when there’s a bird on your head

THE BASIS OF FRIENDSHIP

Okay. Figuring this part out was one of those experiences where I find out something that blows my mind, but I’m afraid to tell anyone about it because it’s so common-sense that they’ll probably look at me like, “Uh, yeah. No doy, Carrie.” And to be honest, I’m not about that noise right now.

Anyway. The basis of friendship is not, as I naively assumed, shared interests or values or trust. Those things are important, but they are higher-tier concerns. The basement-level foundation of relationships is WAFFLES.

Stay with me, here.

Nobody. Has ever. Eaten waffles. With someone. They hate.

Or at least, they don’t hate them by the end of the meal. It’s impossible. Waffles are a friendship-only food.

It all starts with how they’re made.

To make a waffle, you first make a relatively dense batter. Then, you whip up some egg whites till they’re fluffy and light, then fold them into the batter so that it aerates the entire thing.

WHICH IS JUST LIKE FRIENDSHIP! You’re the batter, see, and you’re going along doing your thing until one day, FRIENDSHIP enters your life, all frothy and whipped like a luminous cloud, and it lifts you up and expands your world—and even though you do admittedly spend some time in a hot iron, you come out golden and crispy with plenty of individual compartments to catch butter and syrup, which make your life rich and sweet.

Also, unlike pancakes, waffles are perfect for sharing. They come with pre-drawn guidelines for splitting. You and your friend each grab one end and pull it apart like a wishbone. Classic friendship move.

So. Let’s review. Waffles:

1. Friendship in a food

2. Great for sharing

3. If you make them with your friend, it can be a fun bonding experience

4. I want some

5. This metaphor may have been influenced by a craving

6. If you bring me one right now, YOU will be my best friend

HOW TO FRIEND

Now that you have foundational knowledge of the nature and history of friendship, how do you go about DOING the thing?

STEP 1: See the same people over and over again. To be clear, I do not mean you should pick a person you want to be friends with and then casually “show up” wherever they are. All I mean is that the more you are around a person, the more you like them, and vice versa. Try figuring out a THING that you like to do. Roller derby? Pottery? Sitting in trees and pretending to be an owl? GREAT! Just make sure it’s something with regular meetings, like a biweekly turnip club, with the same group of people involved each time. The more you see them, the more you will like them and the more they will like you.

STEP 2: Be incompetent! (This one is easier for some of us than others.) Studies show that people would rather be friends with someone who is warm but incompetent than someone who is competent but aloof. Mistakes are endearing and make you more approachable. So stop worrying about that thing in your teeth or whether your outfit matches. Did you just trip over nothing in the library and make a terrible squealing noise? CONGRATULATIONS! EVERYONE LOVES YOU MORE NOW!

…Well, except Todd. But he doesn’t like anyone. Don’t worry about him.

STEP 3: Disclose information! Ohhhh boy. If you are very private, like me, this one may be difficult for you. But it makes sense. How can you really be friends with someone you know nothing about?

[Answer: It’s suuuper easy. Just make up their side of the conversation and you’ll have an imaginary friendship in no time! IT’S SO…SAFE!]

STEP 4: ??? To be honest, I’m still hovering around Step 3. Oftentimes in the past, friendship has happened TO me, without my knowledge—as if my soul simply recognized a person and said, “Oh, hey. There you are. I’ve been looking for you.” So admittedly, this part isn’t entirely clear to me. Like, is there a code word to activate friendship? Is it weird to ask an acquaintance to go canoeing? What are some words you can say that will be more effective than a milquetoast, “Haha we should totally hang out sometime you know maybe outside of work or whatever maybe, I dunno, what? Haha…ha.”

PART IV: WHO WILL BE MY FRIEND?

According to this amazingly cool study, your best bet for friendship is someone who perceives, interprets, and reacts to the world the same way you do. So, if you have your MRI machine handy, just scan your brains and compare the results to see if you are compatible. Otherwise, you’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way: by asking each other these 36 questions and then staring deep into each other’s eyes for four minutes straight. (Be careful, though! Don’t accidentally fall in love! [Or do. It’s really none of my business.])

PART V: “ONE IS SILVER AND THE OTHER GOLD”

Since it’s National Friendship Day, I do want to spend a little time celebrating Old Friends. Not elderly friends, necessarily, although they are great, too. I’m talking about the ones you’ve known for a lifetime or longer, who share brain waves and DNA and all sorts of traits. They know you better than anyone else, and have known you probably since you were gawky and hormonal and so bewildered by the world it's a wonder you could stand upright. And so, I feel that they deserve the following PSA:

Hem, hem.

You may live far away or fall out of touch, but when you see them again, it doesn't matter what life has forced you to become—maybe you listen to NPR on your commute, or wear sweater vests, or talk about wine legs unironically, or discuss stock options at cocktail parties, or say things like, "The diet starts tomorrow!" or take baby aspirin for your heart, or wake up at 7 am on weekends, or wear a floppy hat to mow the lawn, or have a favorite late-night talk show host, or scrape the salt off your pretzels because Dr. Farber said your blood pressure's a little worrisome, or go to farmers markets, or switch to decaf at noon, or enjoy antiquing, or get your taxes done early, or eat fish twice a week but not three times a week because of the mercury, or belong to an HOA—when you see old friends, you instantly revert to the same goofy dorkwad you always were and secretly still are. It's restorative. And magical. Old friends are magic. This is a fact.

In the past, you might have wasted countless hours thinking, "Oh, but what if they don't want to be my friend anymore? What if the passing years have soured their memories of me? What if they have new best friends and want to devote all their free time to them, instead? What if they laugh at my efforts to revive our dormant friendship?" Or, worst of all, "What if they were never my friend to begin with?"

Well, here’s what I have to say to that:

Quit…being…a goober.

It can be difficult to tell the people you care about how you feel about them, especially if you’re the type of person to respond to a friend’s “I love you!” text with “Is this a riddle?” Growing up has a way of reinforcing the walls we put up around ourselves. All of the trappings and responsibilities of adulthood act like a disguise, keeping people from knowing who we really are. But maybe it’s okay to go back to what made life fun before. Maybe it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than, "Wanna film ourselves lip syncing to Jimmy Eat World with choreographed dance moves?" or "Wanna cut and dye our own hair for funsies?" or "Wanna try to jump our bikes over stuff we probably shouldn't be jumping over?" or "Wanna hang out in a bookstore every weekend for a year and never buy anything?" or "Wanna blend everything in the fridge together and then see how much of it we can drink before we puke?" or “Wanna make waffles?”

PART VI: CONCLUSION

If you are lucky enough to have old friends, think about putting in some Continuing Friendship Development Hours. If you’re thinking of making new friends, I wish you godspeed. And if perchance you’ve never made a human best friend before, don't despair. I WILL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. I will make you a festive yarn doll and write you many long letters. More than you know what to do with. More than you could have expected. More than you could ever read. They will pile up in your mailbox until your mail carrier quits in protest. And they will all be covered in glitter.

I may not be the friend you need or the friend you deserve, but I don't want you to die early, and I will PROBABLY DO WELL ENOUGH, FOR NOW.

After all, without friends, we would probably already be dead, possibly from the plague, or from The Mysterious Ennui.

So thanks, friends, for keeping me alive, and for making being on earth worthwhile.

Your Friendship Loaf is in the mail.