STEP 1: FIND YOURSELF A SCOTTISH PERSON. In fact, you might even want to marry one. That's what I did, because I am committed to throwing the perfect Burns party. If you're not that dedicated, it's fine. Just know that the ghost of Robert Burns will haunt your party and spoil yer haggis. Is that really what you want?

STEP 2: FIGURE OUT WHO RABBIE BURNS ACTUALLY IS AND WHY ANYONE CARES. While you're at it, acquaint yourself with some other Scottish terms you might need to know, like Hogmanay, knees-up, tatties, neeps, tam o'shanter, bahooky, yer bum's oot the windae!, tattyboggle, and Tilda Swinton.

STEP 3: INVITE ALL YOUR FRIENDS. INCLUDING VEGANS. THEN SCRAMBLE TO FIND ANYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY SERVE THEM THAT WILL STILL BE VAGUELY SCOTTISH. Because the Scottish food you will want to serve (Scotch eggs, meat pies, tatty scones, cock-a-leekie, blood puddin', haggis...) is not at all vegan. NOT AT ALL. ARE YOU AWARE OF WHAT'S IN A SCOTCH EGG? IT'S LIKE A VEGAN'S WORST NIGHTMARE. Basically, they can eat boiled potatoes. 

STEP 4: PLAN SOME ACTIVITIES. Like Snapdragon, the Victorian parlor game where you grab raisins with your teeth from a dish of flaming brandy. Or a caber toss.

STEP 5: TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE AN IRN BRU COCKTAIL. "It can't be done!" you tell your Scottish Person. "Irn Bru tastes like cold medicine and pixie stix! And why is it so bright?" But your Scottish Person will insist that anything can be a cocktail if you mix it with enough scotch.

STEP 6: LET THE PARTY BEGIN. Put Brigadoon on repeat, throw on some bagpipe music, and give each guest a name tag with a famous Scottish person on it and make them act like that person all night (whoever gets Sean Connery has a real advantage). Give out prizes for Best Scottish Accent, Most Tartan in One Outfit, Best Toast to the Lassies, Best Reply to the Laddies, Best Rendition of "Ode to a Haggis," Best Calves in a Kilt, and Best Highland Dancing Without Breaking Anything. The prizes are haggis. (It's all haggis. Everything. In fact, you should make a haggis-shaped pinata and fill it with haggises for another fun party game.)

STEP 7: FINISH OFF THE NIGHT WITH A ROUSING CHORUS OF "AULD LANG SYNE." It's not just for New Year's! Because guess who wrote that song? RABBIE BURNS, YA HOWLIN' NUMPTIES, THAT'S WHO.

STEP 8: TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE SCOTS AS A PEOPLE HAVE SURVIVED FOR SO LONG. Is it witchcraft? It's probably witchcraft. 'Cause these people are nuts.